Seven Fucking Eggplants

So. A couple of Fridays ago, I went to the Fresh Fields and loaded up on all sorts of stuff I could put on bruschetta, because I was optimistic and in a good mood. This included four small eggplants, which I was going to roast, chop, season with balsamic vinegar and rosemary, and spread on toasted ciabatta. Then when I got home, I discovered that the stove was broken. I coulda maybe used the grill or even the George Foreman grill, but the whole broken stove thing was a major bummer and a major derailment of my preferred lifestyle, so I had no will for experimentation. So the eggplants, they sat in the crisper, along with some red bell peppers and the usual other crap.

Then, last Friday, the Old Woman showed up bearing three additional eggplants. So I ended up with seven fucking eggplants. Seven! HolyMaryMotherofGod SEVEN eggplants. I should point out that the Old Woman did not know I already had four eggplants, and if I had not already possessed four eggplants, I would have welcomed a gift of three lovely eggplants from the garden at the Old Folks Home. As it as, however, I had four and she brought me three.


4+3=7


You cannot possibly imagine the angst this caused me.

Oh yes we can. Everything causes you angst. You probably had to retire to your boudoir with the vapors.

Well, you don't know everything about me! I did not have to retire to my boudoir with the vapors. I just had to mull it over and I got sucked into a spiraling vortex of indecision. No vapors. So there!

Anyway, the stove is now fixed and the answer finally came to me: Eggplant Parmesan.

Duh!

Well it took me a while, OK? My brain is diseased, remember?

Oh please. Is that your excuse for everything now?

Maybe. Shut up!


As I was saying, I decided to make eggplant parmesan. You start with a decent tomato sauce. There are many different types of tomato sauces, but today's special was WhatEVer sauce, which is a combination of whatever tomatoes and tomato products I happened to have around plus an old red bell pepper that I was going to have to throw out tomorrow if I didn't use it. And an herb of choice. Today's lucky herb was oregano and marjoram.


Sauce: made.


Then you prepare the eggplants. Actually, you prepare the eggplants while the sauce is simmering, if you're efficient. Half the point of cooking is to try to get everything to be finished at about the same time.

To prepare the eggplants, retrieve them from the crisper. Oh dear. One of them didn't make it, poor thing. After chucking it in the trash bin a brief, but proper funeral, wash the six survivors. Peel the older ones, assume that the fresher ones will have a tender skin and if they don't, you can always gripe to the Old Folks later about the poor quality of the free vegetables they keep giving you, and slice them about 1/2 thick or so. I usually slice the the long way because the long slices are easier to arrange in a baking dish later than round ones are. Salt them generously and put them on a tray. Oh, please. Who has a tray? cookie sheet and let them sit for a while.

Why? No one ever tells you why.

Well, eggplants that are old tend to be bitter and more likely to give you that astringent sort of aaaacccckkkk in the back of your throat, and salting them draws out some of their liquid and with the liquid, some of their bitter juices and aaaacccckkkk-making properties.

How do you know if your eggplants are old?

Your eggplants are old if they:

1. are large (cuz it takes extra time for them to grow big, see)
2. are from the grocery store (you don't really wanna know how long it takes to get from the fields to the store)
3. have been sitting in your crisper for two weeks
4. are starting to get a few mushy spots

Fresh ones that are small and that came from the garden in the last day or so probably don't need to be sweated, so if I had cooked the three gift eggplants from the Old Folks in a prompt manner, they probably would not have needed sweating. Wait a minute. The Old Folks like to amuse themselves by messing with Dirtbunny. They really can't be trusted, especially not with something as important as food. God knows how old those eggplants were. They may have been trying to aaaacccckkkk Dirtbunny just for kicks. New Rule: Always sweat eggplants from the Old Folks.

You know, just because you cross it out doesn't mean we can't read it.

And your point is........?

Get over yourself. No one is trying to aaaacccckkkk you on purpose. Sheesh!

You're new here, then, and not familiar with the many ways in which Dirtbunny is cursed. How very nice for you.

Moving on..... after the salted slices have sat around for a while (say, about as long as it takes for the second half of the Man City v Wolves match, which Man City won no thanks to Craig Bellamy, that scrote), you will see some brown juices in droplets on the surface. Your slices are ready. So set up your assembly line:

Left to right: stack of paper towels for blotting brown stuff off slices, shallow dish of egg wash, shallow dish of seasoned bread crumbs...

Seasoned how?

Seasoned however you want for crying out loud. Just don't use the ones that come already seasoned from the can. Those are gross. They are only for stupid people who don't know what they're doing.

You didn't really answer the question, though, did you? We're beginning to see why Bossboy thinks you're a pain in the ass.

You don't get to cross stuff out! That's only for me! Now stop interrupting!

.....I season mine with salt, pepper, chopped flat-leaf parsley, and generous amounts of parmesan because that's where the name of the dish comes from, and a tray cookie sheet cutting board for receiving the slices.




Look who's helping Dirtbunny!

No one cares about your retarded dog.

That's not a very nice thing to say. Everyone loves Kirby!

that's what you think

So what you do next is

she's deaf. she can't hear us when we talk really small. heehee

you blot a slice on the paper towels, put it in the egg and flip it over to make sure it's all wet, then put it in the bread crumbs and get a good solid coating on there, and then put it aside on your....um....cutting board....

guess what?

....Repeat over and over....

what?

....until they are all done. Kirby is in this photo too, see?

chicken butt

If you're hardcore traditional, you fry them in an inch of olive oil until they're crunchy. If you'd rather spend your calories on alcohol, you don't bother with that. And here's more Kirby!!

yawn

So, what you do next is layer the slices in a baking dish with tomato sauce, shredded mozzarella, and more parmesan cheese, and then you bake it for about half an hour or so until you can poke a knife through the slices quite easily.

And that's what's for dinner. And that's how you get rid of seven fucking eggplants.

we hate eggplant